When I started this blog a few months ago, I wanted it to be about what was inspiring me at the time. Whether that was the latest project I was working on, someone else's project I'd seen on a forum or even ideas I had taken from films and books. There's one small problem with that; right now I am flat out of inspiration.
Those who know me in the real world probably know I have been suffering with depression for a few years. I've even mentioned in in the Oubliette on Bell of Lost Souls and received quite a bit of support from the great community there. As great as that support is, from friends and strangers alike, there are always going to be times when I am at a loss. Right now is one of those times.
I am certain I am not the only person in the world who feels like this. I'm also fairly sure that there are those with far more reason than I, but I am hoping that sharing my experience might help someone else a little or maybe just be a little cathartic for me. So if you are looking for some cool pictures of models or a little banter about the latest 40k news, this may not be the post for you. I honestly won't be offended if you disappear to do something more enjoyable with your time.
Well, there is nothing wrong with including the odd pretty picture...
At the moment, I feel physically weak from what is going on in my head. Picking up a paintbrush feels like a monumental effort, let alone actually using it. Every day tasks like laundry, washing the dishes and even taking my Grandma shopping for groceries bring me close to tears. All of this is compounded by thoughts racing around my head; everything from girls I have not been able to make mine to past arguments I have had with my parents, friends and employers. Worst of all I keep coming to the conclusion that I have no idea what I want to do with or get from my life. I agree to do things (such as the aforementioned groceries with my Grandma) but then find myself unable to do them; literally standing in front of the task, in this case my holding the phone to call her, and reach a mental block. I won't let my fingers press the buttons to dial. I won't dip my hands in to the sink to grab the dirty dishes. I go to lift a discarded book from my bedroom floor and it seems infeasibly heavy. Each and every one of those failures makes me feel worse. Less able, guilty, worthless. Even typing this article is taxing, with each spelling error making it harder to carry on (hopefully there shouldn't be any left by the time I hit publish, but I assure you that during writing every few words I either can't remember how to spell a certain word or accidentally hit the wrong keys.)
In trying to sort myself out and heal this condition I have done plenty of research and attended counselling session. More often than not I have found that the advice is to throw yourself in to a hobby, if only to keep your mind ticking over and distract you from the problems you are facing. That would be great, but scattered on the desk around me are several half painted squads, part assembled miniatures, glues, paints and tools; everything I could need for my favourite pass-time, an activity that I have been told lights me up when I start talking about it. Yet here I sit, unable to do more than move the stuff around. I don't want to paint because I know when I'm not in the mood, the results are often less than great, which just makes me feel worse. I don't want to build because I know I have stuff that needs painting first and with my strength and precision being sapped, I doubt my usual skill and worry about cutting myself accidentally with saws and knives. The thing I am supposed to be using to escape my life and problems, however temporarily, seems to only magnify them.
It doesn't help, of course, that like so many hobbyists those that I live with don't understand why I have as much stuff as I do, why I couldn't just sell some of it off. Despite being in a fortunate situation where almost every model I own gets used from one year to the next, rather than only sitting in a box collecting dust, it is perceived that they do just sit in a box. Because they don't all fit in boxes neatly and I often have several ongoing projects out at any given time to work on, it is assumed that I have too much and that I can't keep it tidy. Well, I can't, but it isn't because I have too much.
So what is the solution? I'm hoping counselling will help. I've certainly discovered a lot of things that trigger the feelings, but am still trying to work on the root trauma so that hopefully I can process that better than I have done so the triggers won't initiate such debilitating low feelings. Aside from that, I have no idea. Feel free to post in the comments below with suggestions, but if it is something I haven't heard and tried over the last 12 months, I'll be very surprised. For now I am just going to try to ride out the low times and make the most of my more capable days.
I hope this has helped other who may be struggling, whether it is a similar problem with life in general or just finding the motivation to work on the next 40k project they can never seem to start. Schadenfreude and all that. Maybe those even worse off than me will take a crumb of comfort from something I have said. I guess only time will tell.
Matt
Those who know me in the real world probably know I have been suffering with depression for a few years. I've even mentioned in in the Oubliette on Bell of Lost Souls and received quite a bit of support from the great community there. As great as that support is, from friends and strangers alike, there are always going to be times when I am at a loss. Right now is one of those times.
I am certain I am not the only person in the world who feels like this. I'm also fairly sure that there are those with far more reason than I, but I am hoping that sharing my experience might help someone else a little or maybe just be a little cathartic for me. So if you are looking for some cool pictures of models or a little banter about the latest 40k news, this may not be the post for you. I honestly won't be offended if you disappear to do something more enjoyable with your time.
At the moment, I feel physically weak from what is going on in my head. Picking up a paintbrush feels like a monumental effort, let alone actually using it. Every day tasks like laundry, washing the dishes and even taking my Grandma shopping for groceries bring me close to tears. All of this is compounded by thoughts racing around my head; everything from girls I have not been able to make mine to past arguments I have had with my parents, friends and employers. Worst of all I keep coming to the conclusion that I have no idea what I want to do with or get from my life. I agree to do things (such as the aforementioned groceries with my Grandma) but then find myself unable to do them; literally standing in front of the task, in this case my holding the phone to call her, and reach a mental block. I won't let my fingers press the buttons to dial. I won't dip my hands in to the sink to grab the dirty dishes. I go to lift a discarded book from my bedroom floor and it seems infeasibly heavy. Each and every one of those failures makes me feel worse. Less able, guilty, worthless. Even typing this article is taxing, with each spelling error making it harder to carry on (hopefully there shouldn't be any left by the time I hit publish, but I assure you that during writing every few words I either can't remember how to spell a certain word or accidentally hit the wrong keys.)
In trying to sort myself out and heal this condition I have done plenty of research and attended counselling session. More often than not I have found that the advice is to throw yourself in to a hobby, if only to keep your mind ticking over and distract you from the problems you are facing. That would be great, but scattered on the desk around me are several half painted squads, part assembled miniatures, glues, paints and tools; everything I could need for my favourite pass-time, an activity that I have been told lights me up when I start talking about it. Yet here I sit, unable to do more than move the stuff around. I don't want to paint because I know when I'm not in the mood, the results are often less than great, which just makes me feel worse. I don't want to build because I know I have stuff that needs painting first and with my strength and precision being sapped, I doubt my usual skill and worry about cutting myself accidentally with saws and knives. The thing I am supposed to be using to escape my life and problems, however temporarily, seems to only magnify them.
It doesn't help, of course, that like so many hobbyists those that I live with don't understand why I have as much stuff as I do, why I couldn't just sell some of it off. Despite being in a fortunate situation where almost every model I own gets used from one year to the next, rather than only sitting in a box collecting dust, it is perceived that they do just sit in a box. Because they don't all fit in boxes neatly and I often have several ongoing projects out at any given time to work on, it is assumed that I have too much and that I can't keep it tidy. Well, I can't, but it isn't because I have too much.
So what is the solution? I'm hoping counselling will help. I've certainly discovered a lot of things that trigger the feelings, but am still trying to work on the root trauma so that hopefully I can process that better than I have done so the triggers won't initiate such debilitating low feelings. Aside from that, I have no idea. Feel free to post in the comments below with suggestions, but if it is something I haven't heard and tried over the last 12 months, I'll be very surprised. For now I am just going to try to ride out the low times and make the most of my more capable days.
I hope this has helped other who may be struggling, whether it is a similar problem with life in general or just finding the motivation to work on the next 40k project they can never seem to start. Schadenfreude and all that. Maybe those even worse off than me will take a crumb of comfort from something I have said. I guess only time will tell.
Matt
Comments